I the sinner!

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

When I willingly fall in a sin, i.e., not only knowing that it is a sin but also planning to commit it, I get disappointed at and angry with myself. This anger towards oneself is unnatural, and is therefore expressed - typically - through hating things and people around me. The more profound the sin is, the stronger the anger, the more outrageous the expression.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Even when I commit a sin unwillingly, i.e., knowing it is a sin and trying to avoid it, but out of weakness I fall in it, I still get angry with myself, because it is a living evidence of my weakness. "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Rom 7: 24) Even when I ignorantly fall in a sin, I still a feel some unexcused anger, it is because I deviated from my natural track. "All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way" (Isa 53:6)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I express my anger at the weather, traffic, tax system, living costs, politics, and public attitude and behavior. I hate my boss, I see the stupidity of the law, I critique my colleagues, I condemn the hypocrite people in the church, I even speak evil on the clergy. "Out of your own mouth I will judge you, you wicked servant." (Luk 19:22) All these expressions of anger do not help, Alas! They increase my anger towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I stand up to pray, only because it is prayer time, I fail to focus and communicate with God, which increases my anger towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Next day I fight with my siblings, I argue violently with my parents, I critique every single person, I focus on people's weakness, I stop going to church...... I recall all others' mistakes and pitfalls, I recall all evil people did to me, escaping to see my weakness but alas, that does not help. I only get more and more angry towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Now, with every person I have an issue! I therefore tend to be alone, if not literary then psychologically, thinking that being alone saves me a lot of troubles dealing with these "bad" people. Being alone shuts every possible method to vent, my anger increases more and more.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Days became heavier and longer! When the sun rises I await its absence. I count days till weekend, and when it comes I hate it and await the weekdays. I am not satisfied with my life! I try things; drugs, alcohol, ... thinking it might get me out of this infinite loop of anger, but these things, being sins, only increases my anger.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Being alone in this infinite loop just makes it worse and worse and seems to be with no end, "How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?" (Psa 13:1)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

"'Come now, and let us reason together,' Says the LORD, 'Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool' " (Isa 1:18) I finally seek help, I stand to pray to God Jesus Christ, and really talk to Him, I cry and receive some comfort.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I am better, but not restored yet. I now don't see people's mistakes, but I see mine. I now am not angry with myself, but I am regretful. "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (Jam 5:16)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I alone can not exit this infinite loop. I go to my confession father, who helps me to focus on Christ's love rather than my condemnation, on Christ's power rather than my weakness, on the hope while regretting. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1Jo 1:9)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

A pause. I am still in the infinite loop, but no longer going deeper. I am still in that weird status; bitter, regretful, but very hopeful. My anger now moved from myself to the sin itself. I hate it.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

"and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin" (1Jo 1:7) I receive communion, I immediately was transferred from the hollow circle of anger to the eternal circle of Christ's love! I immediately love people again, and am grateful for everything around me. Thanks to God I have memory, for now I run in the circle of love with joy, yet watchfully, lest I shall fall again! "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation." (Mar 14:38)

O My beloved Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!