My Secret

Yes, my beloved, it is about the time to endorse you my will, for I know that my departure is coming soon. Please don’t cry or be sad, for this time, my death is something I look forward to. Last time, it was different. Ah! Let me tell you my secret, why should I keep it and I am leaving soon? Here is the story; I pray it may help someone… someday.

Things were just fine when all of a sudden I got infected with a sever fever that took way longer than usual. I started to faint and became really scared that death is approaching. But all that was nothing compared to the terrible feeling of being left out alone. My sisters sent to my beloved. We didn’t hear back a response. That was an awful feeling. With every minute passing, thoughts play in my mind refreshing the happy memories of the time we spent together that it all was in vain, that it was all with no real love; my beloved just did forsake me. I couldn’t believe it.

I wondered if I committed any mistake or did something wrong? Is there a certain message my beloved is trying to deliver to me? How could my beloved be so cruel? At every corner in the house, as my eye roams, there is a beautiful memory. In every street in the town, we did walk together, we were about to become one! We were about to unite! What happened?! I was about to submit my whole life to my beloved, but where is my beloved now?! By night on my bed I sought whom my soul love, but I found him not [Song of Sol. 3:1].

My sisters tried to medicate me; they tried to restore my confidence in my beloved, that there should be a really good excuse. In vain were all their trials, I couldn’t accept any good reason would let my beloved forsake me in my sickness. My beloved had withdrawn himself, and was gone: my soul failed when he spake: I sought him, but I could not find him; I called him, but he gave me no answer [Song of Sol. 5:6].

Now my throat is dried, and I am lying down on bed, and everyone I know is around me, supporting and comforting, but nothing was comforting as long as my beloved is absent. Finally, I closed my eye…. and all of a sudden, I felt my self very light. All body pains are gone, and I am being taken to somewhere where the suffering of loneliness and darkness where even more harsh than the pain of sickness. In addition, I couldn’t but thinking of my beloved who forsake me. Oh! How much I missed my beloved! I started to pray: “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Psalm 22:1) “How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?” (Psalm 13:1) “We have transgressed and have rebelled: thou hast not pardoned.” (Lam 3:42). And I heard no response!

After being desperate for a while, I started to inspect myself to see if I sinned against my beloved, I couldn’t find anything. I prayed with Job: “my desire is, that the Almighty would answer me” (Job 31:35). Even for that I got no answer.

I remembered my sisters were saying: there should be a good reason. I started to wonder if there is a certain message I am missing. I started to pray: Blessed are You, O Lord; teach me Your statutes. Blessed are You, O Lord; make me to understand Your commandments. Blessed are You, O Lord; enlighten me with Your righteousness. Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever. Despise not, O Lord, the works of Your hands. You have been my refuge from generation to generation.

I kept crying and whining all the time, my heart was so heavy with sorrow with no comfort. At end, I gave up. I prayed: “O LORD, I know that the way of man is not in himself: it is not in man that walketh to direct his steps. O LORD, correct me, but with judgment; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing.” (Jeremiah 10:23,24)

I was totally hopeless when all of a sudden a drop of wept of my beloved touched me! When a voice reached my ear, a voice that brought all joy to me, a voice that restored me even though I still didn’t get an answer of any of my questions, it is that voice full of joy of my beloved calling me: “Lazarus, come forth!” (John 11:43)

I felt myself heavy with body again, and walking, but still see nothing, then heard the voices of my sisters and many people glorifying God! Then you know the rest of the story, how after Our Lord Jesus resurrected, I was blessed to serve Him as a Bishop for Cyprus. You too my children, when you seek God’s will, don’t seek knowing God’s will or even how it shall come true, but rather just seek from your heart that His will be done, and leave it to Him, the Almighty, how and when to achieve it. When you are under pain and afflictions, wait in faith the four days until He comes, because He shall come in the perfect time. The four days might seem forever, but they are not. Be faithful, He never forsakes us, and He feels all pain we go through; He weeps with us. But because He is The Wisdom, He knows when is the best to stretch the hand of support.

“I cried by reason of mine affliction unto the LORD, and he heard me; out of the belly of hell cried I, and thou heardest my voice. When my soul fainted within me I remembered the LORD: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple. But I will sacrifice unto thee with the voice of thanksgiving; I will pay that that I have vowed. Salvation is of the LORD.” (Jonah 2: 2, 7, 9)