I used to think...

I used to think of myself to be a good person... better than the people around me of my age...
I used to think that I am older than my age, wiser, more sad, and more reliable...
I used to think I am stronger than people of my age... in character and determination...
I used to think I am closer to God than people around me...
I used to think I shall never fall, and I used to wonder...

I used to wonder why people do X, Y and Z sins...
I used to wonder how on earth could any one do the W sin! I don't know but I used to think I know...

I used to think that I have to move the rock from the gate of Lazarus' tomb so that God *can* raise him from death... I went therefore moving all rocks in my way, all the way until the end of my reach, which got me super tired...

I used to think that *I* can do everything in Christ, but focusing on the *I*... I therefore tried everything beyond myself, which got me super depressed...

I used to think that God's voice comes as smoothing and easing my path, I used to think I *know* God's will, which caused me to be deaf to God's voice....




I used to think that I love God...




All what I used to think was true, turns out to be not necessarily true... is it? I don't know..

I want to love God, and I try to... should I move the rock? But without Christ I can do nothing as He said. So, even moving the rock I can not do... so what? I ask Him to move the rock? Then where am I in this? Will I move the rock in Christ? Yes of course, but what does that really means? I don't know...

I don't know my limits, or where I should stop and leave it to God...

I don't know why on earth did I fall in same sins I condemns people for, the X, Y, Z and even the W.. while they had excuses, I had no excuse...

I don't know why I am so weak, unstable and unreliable...

I don't know why God loves me, and still has faith in me, while I have no faith in myself anymore, but have faith in His grace...

I don't know if I die now, will God accept me to be with Him forever? Should He wait for me a bit?

I don't know if in next test I will fail or not...

I don't know if ever it will be a moment when I feel ready to depart this world, although I wish to depart it right now ...

I don't know when I will be a holy child of Christ? Will that day ever come? When?

I don't know nothing.. and may be I just should not know.. I have to just continue walking...

I don't know if I do love God from all my heart... and may be I should not know, or don't really want to know... but I do know, that I want to love God from all my hearts... so how to start?

I don't know how to start... should I start? or Should Christ's grace start? I don't know...

Is there a rock I should pull? Or should I ask His grace to grant it to me? I don't know..

I don't know if I should repent first, or serve Him first, or just love Him first... but how to love Him though? Love is sacrifice, and I have nothing to offer Him!

I don't know why He loves me! I don't know why I focus on myself that much... I don't know what is His will.. I don't know how to hear His voice...

I don't know my message on earth.. but may be I I should not know, or don't really want to know... but I do know, that I do want to love God from all my hearts...

Your will be done.