The Disciples & Our Hour of Darkness!

One disciple ran away leaving his garments in the soldiers hands!
Another disciple was furious and used his sword to defend himself, and defend Christ!
Most other disciples were too afraid to follow Christ, they ran away and hided themselves.
One still followed Christ, but at one stage he denied Christ!
Only one followed Christ to the Cross, in silence!

Sometimes, the first watch of night passes, and the second then the third, and it is almost the end of the fourth watch: we are still struggling in our boat, fighting waves, winds and rain! We - partially - loose faith! Even when we see Christ at this point, walking on water, we think it cannot be truly Him, it must be a Ghost!

Sometimes Christ is asleep - in peace - in our boat, but it is stormy outside and we are actually sinking! We again think we *need* to awaken Christ up.

Well, sometimes Christ just wants to grant us the spiritual level of believing in Him, while He is still on the cross, and it doesn't seem it will reach to an end!


When following Christ means our death, of this world! Everything looks wrong around us. Nothing that we can see that this may lead to our good at the end. No sign that this is for the glory of God's name, nor the benefit of any person. We therefore loose faith in Him, and start asking Him: if you are the Son of God, get down of the cross!

But it seems that this is exactly the point: God wants us to keep our faith, in meekness and tranquility - and may be in pain - until death! Didn't He love us to the end, to the death of the Cross? But He received no reward for doing so, but we surely are rewarded! The disciple who followed Christ to the end of the Cross, deserved to be called: the beloved. Deserved to see the revelation! Reserved to be given the ever Holy St. Mary, the Mother of God, as his mother! The key is: St. John followed Christ having faith in Him even during agony and the hours of darkness, with no exact request from Christ: to save him, to get down of the cross, nor any other request. The complete simple faith: I know you are the Son of God, and I trust you not caring to see the outcome, and I follow you, even if that leads to my worldly-death!

The even greater news is that there is still hope for all disciples, even the right-hand thief! After all, they all became the Apostles who spread the faith in Christ in the whole world! Each of them received the proper treatment to restore their faith!

So, if you are going through the hours of darkness, remember the disciples and ask God to grant you this: to believe in Him through the Cross, not expecting or requesting anything! Remembering Job, his suffer and God's answer to Him helps. God said:
        (1) I AM love, so trust that I love you,
        (2) I AM Wisdom, so trust I know what is best for you, and
        (3) I AM The Almighty, so trust I can achieve for you what is for the best!

May God touch the hearts of us all, especially during dark hours of cross, that we may have life in Christ, which is Joy in Him!

Attachement

Did you ever experience having a request from God; a request that is holy and pure, a request that many holy people from the Bible had and also many saints, YET, God didn't grant it to you? As if He is not listening or ignoring you? Hannah also did.

In the liturgy yesterday (Wed of 5th week of Great Lent) one of the prophecies was from first chapter from the book of 1st Samuel. Hannah was asking God to have a child from her husband, a pure and holy request. God did command Adam and Eve to be fruitful. But as we read the story, it says about Hannah: "but the Lord shut her womb" (1Sam 1:5). And she wasn't a wicked person, nor her husband. At the contrary, they were godly people. How come that God responds oppositely to her request? What is going on?

We many times when asking for something holy and pure, we think that we should be granted what we asked, because it is holy and pure (a virtue, healing or improvement for a person dear to us, peace, success, etc.). We therefore want it so much and keep asking God to grant it to us. We may even start planning based on what we asked for. We often slip and get attached to what we ask for, that we desire it so much. When this happens, we no longer pray to talk to God whom we love, we no longer seek God Himself, but we are using God as "the magician who can achieve our desires". As if God is the jenny of Aladdin's lamp. Well, that is NOT the case.

When it is the case that we are so attached to the thing we ask for, and in that sense we are driven away from God, as Hannah was so attached to become a mother, God responds saying: "what have I to do with you? mine hour is not yet come" (John 2:4), just as He shut the womb of Hannah.

When God says His time is not yet come, we start wondering "How long, O Lord, do You forget me, for ever? How long do You turn Your face away from me? How long do I put these counsels in my soul, and these sorrows in my heart for the whole day? How long does my enemy exalt over me?" (Psalm 12:1,2). Only then, our attention, and hence our attachment, gradually shift from what we ask for to God and His hour. Only then, we pour our hearts truly in front of God, with tears and confessions, as Hannah did at the House of the Lord [1Sam 1:9].

When Hannah poured herself in front of God, she was freed from the attachment of her desire to be have a baby, as can be seen from her vow to give the baby to God all the days of the child's life. When that happens, the Lord responses saying: "Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me" (Song 6:5)

Only then, Hannah was granted Samuel, the kings anointer. And after Hannah gave Samuel to God, as she vowed, "the LORD visited Hannah, so that she conceived, and bare three sons and two daughters" (1Sam 2:21)

Way much more than what we originally asked for, only after our attachment was adjusted.

Egypt's Turmoil and OT Genocides

Is there such a "justified" killing?

If I am in the holy (to me being Egyptian) Egyptian land, would I be in the demonstrations? I believe so. But because of the absence of police, people had to defend themselves. And to do so, people took kitchen knives, staffs, white weapons etc. Thus, there is a chance to engage in a fight with a criminal, and kill someone... would I participate in killing? A similar question was raised last week in the OCF meeting, when an answer came out: yes! God commanded genocides in the Old Testament (OT)! Is this true? Did God command genocides?

With what is going on in Egypt, I had both questions in the back of my mind, and I believe I have an answer, at least for me. I will try to be brief here.

First, what happened in the OT is taken out of context. Because of many reasons that I try to summarize as follows.

1. Different "punishments". First, there has been different "punishments" in the OT. The great flood in days of Noah. The confusion of language in days of the tower of Babel. The rain of sulfur and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah in days of Lute. The 10 Plagues of Egypt in days of Mosses. And then, many "punishments" for the Israelites in the wilderness, and in Canaan. But these are actually calls, not punishments.

2. Call not punishment. God calls each person to return to Him in a gradual manner, according to our response. Gentle whisper first, then invitation, then a push, a warning, etc. The last way God calls us, is that He leaves us to our own desire, rather the wrong desire of our hearts, so that we start reaping what we sow: evil. We saw this with the Israelites many times, in the book of Judges, Isaiah, Jeremiah, etc. Again, the goal is people's repentance; that once I see the result of my evil, I realize that I need Him. That is, God left up His support - for a moment - so that we taste how it is without Him. And hence, the door for repentance is always open.

3. Repentance door is open. A "genocide" was commanded to Jericho, but Rahab the prostitute - and all her family - were saved, because she believed and repented. Not only was she saved from the last call to Jericho (to repent), but also she was one of two ladies mentioned in the genealogy of our Lord Jesus Christ, glory to His Holy name. Surprisingly, neither was our mother St. Sarah, St. Rebecca or St. Rachel... rather, the two were originally gentiles; Rahab and Ruth! This confirms that God didn't really command a genocide, but it was a call for people of Jericho to repent, and if they did, like Rahab, they would have been saved!

4. Last Call. Did God warn them before? Let us see. 400 years before, God sent them Abraham, who was salt and light among them, and they definitely heard about God's promises to him, which contained warnings and vows to them (and that is why Abraham is considered a prophet). They also had Lute, Melchizedek, and Job. They also witnessed the destroy of Sodom and Gomorrah. Then after 400 years, they saw the 10 plagues of Egypt, and how God split the red sea for them to pass. Yet, their hearts were uncircumcised and they chose not to repent. So, God delivered them to the desire of their hearts.

Now, and second, back to the main question, is there such a "justified" killing? Should I kill or not if I am a soldier in a war? Or if I am in Egypt right now, and need to defend my family?

"Therefore concerning the eating of things offered to idols, ... for some, with consciousness of the idol, until now eat it as a thing offered to an idol; and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. But food does not commend us to God; for neither if we eat are we the better, nor if we do not eat are we the worse." (1Corinthians 8:4-7)

Thus, if I am a soldier, or member of safety committee in Egypt, and my conscious is pure that killing as self defense, or country defense, or nation defense, is valid, then it is valid for me. Yet if my conscious tells me that this is wrong and it is cutting the chance for a human to repent, then it is sinful, even if the priest, or patriarch said otherwise.

If I am in Egypt now

If I am in Egypt, I would definitely have went down to streets on Tuesday to protest, peacefully, against the ruling regime.

If I am in Egypt, I would have gone again on Wed and Thu to protest, again peacefully, against the regime.

If I am in Egypt, I would have never participated in any damaging or violence acts, and would have subjugated to curfew conditions.

If I am in Egypt, I would have fought the anarchic people who try to take advantage of such a great move, i.e., the peaceful protesting, and would go shoulder to shoulder with my fellow Egyptians, regardless of their political affiliation, however, I would have never gone shoulder to shoulder with the Muslim Brotherhood group.

I heard Ali, a college student who claims no affiliation to any political party, at El Arabia channel saying how it was peaceful, and that some youth from Brotherhood were mad and wanted to burn and damage, but they tried to stop them. He also condemned the way the police treated their peaceful move, from the very beginning of Friday. In sense, that is what pushed it to be non-peaceful. So, who is the main responsible for what is going on? The current regime, which should leave, but in lawful way, not through violence.

It would have been much more better, and much more efficient if we had continuous small peaceful protests until the elections are due. We should have protested with specific feasible requests before the elections, so that we guarantee fair elections. But what is happening now is a loss of the protest messages, as if we only want Mubarak to leave. Yes, we hope for change, not in authority, but in mentality of authors. I am afraid that violent change is NOT leading to a change of authority mentality, the other way around, it confirms it.

So, what? Should I protest or not? What would have I done if I am in Egypt? I am not sure, I really am not sure. I am confused in thoughts between longed desire for speedy reformation, and a hope for smooth peaceful such reformation. I am confused between rejoicing for the people wake up, and my sorrow for the blood shed and the damages. I am between my hope for a, finally, a change, and fear from that change. I am between looking forward for secular regime, and my fear from radical-fanatic- religious gang, i.e., Muslim Brotherhood. Sigh! I am confused... I don't know where is the goodness for Egypt... I just pray that whatever outcome will be for Egypt's goodness.

So, in conclusion, what to do now if I am in Egypt? Again, I would protest, again and again, but peacefully and never participate in any damaging or violence episodes. God bless Egypt.

"Blessed is Egypt my people" (Isaiah 19:25)

Christmas Wine!

Stop worrying, and start doing.

It is more important to enjoy drinking the wine, than it is to know the etiquette of how to drink wine.

Celebrating Christmas, the born of Christ, is much more important than worrying about which greeting people use (Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays), or why people celebrate (Salvation of Christ vs secular customs), or right spending of money (Charity vs gifts)... let us start celebrating true Christmas ourselves!

Christ is born! Glorify Him!

Autumn Colors, Fall Smell!

Pittsburgh is famous for its scenic colorful Autumn, indeed.
I went running two days ago, and I did find it a fascinating scenery, I loved Autumn's colors!

But as I got closer to the trees, in the trail, I found the fruits of the trees has felt on the ground, leaving the trees themselves fruitless! Not only that, but also they went bad and started to smell, an awful smell!

That made me wonder sadly, how come this beautiful scene is accompanied with such an awful smell! Would I then still love the fruitless smelling trees of Autumn? I was disappointed.

I recalled then the fig tree that was fruitless and disappointed our Lord Jesus Christ so it withered away immediately [Mathew 21]. I understood then why this tree disappointed God. I then started to see myself a colorful autumn's tree, that is fruitless and has an awful Fall's smell. Hypocrisy, is indeed a hard vice to cure. To care more about my colors, how I look to people, and forget about bearing proper fruits. Danger is, one discovers this fact, when it is too late to sow, water, and bear fruits! Yet, I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. Christ who is above time, and it is never too late with Him!

I would rather be a non-colorful Spring tree; with no image for people to desire, no honor, no glory, no reputation, yet fruitful!

"Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance" (Mat 3 : 8)

Sun, Earth and Moon

The Earth originated from the Sun, and it enjoys its light. And even though the Sun is thousands times larger than earth, the earth is not fully lightened, there is a dark portion.

If we want to have all earth to be lightened at once, we have two options. First, the use of another source of light to enlighten the dark part, such as the Moon. But alas, Moon is fake; it only reflects light but is not a source of light. But more importantly, Moon is temporary and is not always there for you, every night! The second option is to get the Earth closer to the Sun. As Earth gets closer to its origin, the dark area gets less. The more closer, the more warmth, the more light, the less darkness. There will be always a dark spot. Until only when Earth joins back its origin, the Sun, when the Earth is all light, a sun in itself.

You are a son of God. We enjoy God's grace and mercy, but we all have a spot of darkness. We many times seek temporarily methods, things, or people to enlighten our nights, but that is fake and temporary! Only if we turn our back to the beloved "moon" that we adore so much, face The Sun of Righteousness and start walking forward towards Him, is when our spot of darkness starts shrinking. As we get closer and closer to Sun of Righteousness, we become more and more light, less and less darkness, and we enjoy more warmth. It is a joyful path! We become more and more the light of the cosmos, until we reach the Sun of Righteousness itself, when we are Christ Like, our ultimate goal!

This is the life of repentance, the life of joy!

"but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead" (Phi 3 : 13)

Your lightening, i.e., comments, are appreciated.

Reconciliation

Culture

In all liturgies I am aware of, there is a reconciliation prayer, where the congregation attending the mystery to reconcile with each other.The shape of the reconciliation prayer rite differs as according to the culture where the church was planted. For example, in Antioch Orthodox Churches, I saw people hand shaking, while they hug each other in a missionary Catholic church at some University. In Coptic (i.e., Egyptian) churches, people sort of hand shake, while at the same time the left hand is covering the back of the other person's hand, withdrawing the 2 hands and kissing the tips of the fingers, a typical form of "taking blessings" in eastern cultures.

Confusion

While the congregation is greeting one another, the priest is praying the prayers that commemorates that God reconciled us unto himself. "And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation" (2Cor 5:18). This is a bit confusing. Why are we greeting one another, while we are supposed to recall that God reconciled us unto Him? Isn't that a distraction? Don't "people" so often stumble others in their spiritual way, especially inside the chichi? Those "people" being us. Don't we to focus on Christ in the liturgy and try to talk to Him? So why did our mother, the church, teach us to greet one another? Moreover, it is often the case that I am greeting someone I don't even know! How are we reconciliation then?

The answer is two folds. The first simple one is that we simply follow Christ's will in Methew 4:24: "Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.". The second fold is more profound.

First, we need to understand the meaning of the word: reconcile. According to the About Dictionary, the verb reconcile means: to restore friendly relations between. Clearly if I greet someone I don't know, there are no friendly relations to restore, right? WRONG. And that is exactly why we greet one another, to restore the previously existing friendly relationship. How is so? Bear with me a bit.

The Three Vices

A husband and his wife (or any two persons) has a conflict for, at a high level, one of three reasons. More reasons can be claimed by a more specialized study, but for the scope of this article, these three reasons summarizes them all. Hereafter, I will call these reasons: vices.

The first vice is conflict of interest. I want you to park away, so that I can park my car right where you parked yours. I don't care about your reasons why you want to park here, and I don't bother trying to understand them. We lack the common goal. And we fight.

The second vice, is when we both agree on a goal, but disagree on how we can achieve or reach our common goal. We both agree that our children should receive good education. I think that public schools are the best, but she believes Orthodox schools are the only way. We lack appreciation of each other's opinions. And we fight.

The third vice is called misunderstanding. And we fight. Misunderstanding is typically thought of the simplest conflict, while in fact it is the worst. We don't understand each other because we don't know each other. And we don't know each other because we didn't care enough to do so, nor did we spend the time to get to know each other. Knowing each other takes typically lifetime! We didn't bother going there because we, sorry to say, don't really love each other. It is lack of LOVE!!

Lack of knowledge of each other is, in its heart, lack of love.

Lack appreciation to the other opinion is simply self centeredness, overly consumed loving oneself, and hence lack of love to the other.

Lack of common goal is again not seeing the other's needs, desires, and way of thinking. It is again, lack of love. Because if I love you, I love everything and everyone you love!

Lack of love, is a vice.

The Three reconciliations

That being said, we realize that the solution of any conflict, i.e., reconciliation is simply love. To love the other person is to reconcile with her or him. When love is present, we start to know each other. Like a new couple, once they receive church blessings to know each other through engagement, they start spending so much time with each other, and they grow in knowing and loving each other until they are, eternally, unite in Christ.

Similarly, the treatment of an conflict is to love each other, hence knowing each other, understanding and appreciating other opinions, and eventually sacrificing oneself's opinions and plans for the sake of the other.

Back to the Reconciliation Rites

We, human race, where in love with God, in first Adam. Then a conflict arose: we don't really agree with God on His plans for us, so we ate the fruit He forbid us to. We don't appreciate His plans, so we rely on ourselves. And we eventually became unaware of God existence, so we get nervous, worried and lose our peace. These are the symptoms of the evil vice, we don't really love God from all our hearts. Now, THIS, needs a reconciliation.

If I love you, I love everything and everyone you love. If I truly love God, I love all people. If I don't truly love people, then this is a symptom of lack of true love to God. Then, in fact, the church asks us to great one another as, not a symbol, but rather as a checkpoint for ourselves. So whenever we hear the deacon calling us to great one another, we raise our hearts to God to self inspect our hearts to check if we truly love our savior, or we diverged off our path! This is the very reason why we are called to greet one another.

When you hear

So now, once I hear the deacon invitation to great one another, I should immediately raise my heart to God to inspect it, under His light which reveals everything. I should recall how He serviced my reconciliation to Him, even though it is me who IS guilty . I should then offer a hearty repentance on the spot, for anything and everything I did against our reconciliation.

Once this is done, I can get back down to the earth, to see my brethren waiting for me to great, rather to reconcile with them. I would them leave my offerings on the altar and seek anyone I have conflict with to reconcile with whom first. Only then, my greeting others will be truly in Christ.

Only then, I can go out after Church to the whole world, carrying Christ immaculate peace, and joy. Only then I am compelled and spiritually motivated to serve the people the service of reconciliation, that would be naturally attractive in my granted inner peace and joy, that no one can take away from us.

"Now then we are ambassadors for Christ, as though God did beseech you by us: we pray you in Christ's stead, be ye reconciled to God." (2Cor 5:20)

Indispensable

GoldenGate bridge, an outstanding structure that attracts San Francisco visitors. I had the pleasure of visiting it, and it is amazing.

This great bridge stand on two bases, one is shown in the picture below. Without the bases, there is no bridge. Everyone runs to take photos on the bridge, to the bridge, but almost no single person takes photos with the basements, which is the most crucial and important part of the structure.

These bases are almost hidden underneath the great structure it holds. It faces the cold and violent waves of the ocean and carries the burden of the heavy weight of the bridge, and receives no appreciation from the customers. Yet, it receives the main attention of maintenance. If something serious is predicted, it is the first part to be protected.

Pivot, an alias of a person I recently came across, follows such path. He, at work, chose to be the specialist in "the dirty hidden work" that helps his colleagues to build their success. And he does so in such humility and love. What is the outcome? Does it pay back? The outcome is that his colleagues sometimes abuse him. They keep giving him more and more of the "dirty work". They keep growing and making noticed contribution, while no one notices him. Yet, he grew to be the indispensable man of the enterprise. No one can function without him, that on the recent economy crisis his job was 100% secured.

What does it take to be indispensable? A great deal, but not of success, rather: of humility. Abba John said, 'Who sold Joseph?' They replied saying, 'It was his brethren.' The old man said, 'No, it was his humility which sold him, because he could have said, ''I am their brother" and have objected, but, because he kept silence, he sold himself by his humility. It is also his humility which set him up as chief in Egypt.".

"Therefore whoever humbles himself as this little child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:4)

I am so tired...

"Because God loves you."

A typical answer to the question: why did God created me. But why did He place me on that earth? I love God and I want to walk in His way, but the world stumbles me. I am trying hard, but it is beyond my ability...

Well, because on earth, you pronounce His glory, and - more importantly - you taste His love. When you taste missing Him, you will appreciate being with Him, and your joy is splendid.

But that is so tiring, I am tired of falling and repeating falling. I am tired of my weakness. Why didn't He create me infallible?! Why is it so hard to live with Him? Why am I not created perfect? Wouldn't I better glorify Him if I was an angel? Sigh! I want to serve God from all my heart, but I have to work and have to worry about my plans, and worry about my beloved, and my church, and my country, and and... why are we on earth? Let it end so that we are released and be with God!

We are on earth, just temporarily. We should not worry about earthly matters. We need to fly into heavenly matters.

Then what? I should quit my job? I should not plan for the future? Should we all grow a beard and do nothing but praying? Isn't praying what we are supposed to do in heaven? So why do anything else? Why do I have all other responsibilities while on earth that I fall short for?

"Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers." (3John 2).

Did you notice that you have been focusing on what you are doing now and what you are supposed to be doing, and what you would love to do. Then, you see all distractions and stumbling blocks that delays you.

This is exactly my problem, that there are many distractions and barriers towards perfection on this earth. And I can not let that desire to be perfect go, because this is how I can reach God.

This is exactly your problem. That *you* want to be perfect, so that *you* reach God. And unfortunately, there are many barriers that you can foresee that strikes *your* path.

...

Where is God in your picture? God's image is lost in that picture. God created you on His image, so you need to do everything like Him. But we can't, because we are weak. So what?

Do not quit your job, but work and labor for Him, in Him, with Him.

Do not stop planning for the future, but plan relying on Him, and stop worrying.

Do not stop being active, social, servant/minister, but do all with Him.

Bring Christ back to the picture, and you will not see *your* weak self, nor the tribulations.

Bring Christ back to your heart, and you will enjoy peace.

Do all what you want, and all what society and church may ask you to do, but do all in Christ.

Do all things, but please, don't lose your focus on Christ.

Why thanks?

Are we obligated to thank God? Like, if we forget to thank God, should we regret and be sorrowful?

At least, this is the impression one gets when listening to the sermons that mention thanksgiving.

Indeed one feels like blaming oneself when one forgets to thank a person who did me a favor. It is the minimum expression of gratitude. But is it the same with God?

It is true that if I did someone, even a friend, a favor (the fact that s/he is a friend only affects the size of the favor), and I was not appreciated by a word or gesture of thank gratitude, I will find it extremely hard to her/him a favor next time. Does God deal with us the same way? Is that why we are "compelled" to thank God?

Absolutely not.

When God saved the ten lepers, He saved the 10 even though only 1 of them, who was Samaritan, did come back to Him, glorifying God and thanking Him. We didn't hear that the other nine had a relapse. But God did sigh, and wondered: didn't the ten get healed?! Why no one came back to give God His glory except this stranger?

So clearly, God saved them because of their faith, that they believed in the word He said: go and show yourself to the priest. He did save them because He loves them, UNCONDITIONALLY. Period.

Then, why to thank God? And why did He sigh upon the no thanks?

Believe it or not, because He loves us.

Yes, to thank God, is yet another gift from God. When we thank God, our joy is completed and magnified when we thank God for something we celebrated. And when we thank God, our joy is sustained when we thank God for a goodness in His wisdom that we don't immediately see in the temporal tribulation. Thinks about it. The joy is magnified when we share it with someone. Whom we share it with, makes a difference. If you share it with someone who might envy you, you might regret it, but if you share it with your spouse, it is one of the best moments in life. And if you share it with God, it is blessed, doubled, confirmed and sacred.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving" (Phi 4:6)

I the sinner!

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

When I willingly fall in a sin, i.e., not only knowing that it is a sin but also planning to commit it, I get disappointed at and angry with myself. This anger towards oneself is unnatural, and is therefore expressed - typically - through hating things and people around me. The more profound the sin is, the stronger the anger, the more outrageous the expression.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Even when I commit a sin unwillingly, i.e., knowing it is a sin and trying to avoid it, but out of weakness I fall in it, I still get angry with myself, because it is a living evidence of my weakness. "O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?" (Rom 7: 24) Even when I ignorantly fall in a sin, I still a feel some unexcused anger, it is because I deviated from my natural track. "All we like sheep have gone astray; We have turned, every one, to his own way" (Isa 53:6)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I express my anger at the weather, traffic, tax system, living costs, politics, and public attitude and behavior. I hate my boss, I see the stupidity of the law, I critique my colleagues, I condemn the hypocrite people in the church, I even speak evil on the clergy. "Out of your own mouth I will judge you, you wicked servant." (Luk 19:22) All these expressions of anger do not help, Alas! They increase my anger towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I stand up to pray, only because it is prayer time, I fail to focus and communicate with God, which increases my anger towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Next day I fight with my siblings, I argue violently with my parents, I critique every single person, I focus on people's weakness, I stop going to church...... I recall all others' mistakes and pitfalls, I recall all evil people did to me, escaping to see my weakness but alas, that does not help. I only get more and more angry towards myself.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Now, with every person I have an issue! I therefore tend to be alone, if not literary then psychologically, thinking that being alone saves me a lot of troubles dealing with these "bad" people. Being alone shuts every possible method to vent, my anger increases more and more.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Days became heavier and longer! When the sun rises I await its absence. I count days till weekend, and when it comes I hate it and await the weekdays. I am not satisfied with my life! I try things; drugs, alcohol, ... thinking it might get me out of this infinite loop of anger, but these things, being sins, only increases my anger.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

Being alone in this infinite loop just makes it worse and worse and seems to be with no end, "How long, O LORD? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?" (Psa 13:1)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

"'Come now, and let us reason together,' Says the LORD, 'Though your sins are like scarlet, They shall be as white as snow; Though they are red like crimson, They shall be as wool' " (Isa 1:18) I finally seek help, I stand to pray to God Jesus Christ, and really talk to Him, I cry and receive some comfort.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I am better, but not restored yet. I now don't see people's mistakes, but I see mine. I now am not angry with myself, but I am regretful. "Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much" (Jam 5:16)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

I alone can not exit this infinite loop. I go to my confession father, who helps me to focus on Christ's love rather than my condemnation, on Christ's power rather than my weakness, on the hope while regretting. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (1Jo 1:9)

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

A pause. I am still in the infinite loop, but no longer going deeper. I am still in that weird status; bitter, regretful, but very hopeful. My anger now moved from myself to the sin itself. I hate it.

O My Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

"and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin" (1Jo 1:7) I receive communion, I immediately was transferred from the hollow circle of anger to the eternal circle of Christ's love! I immediately love people again, and am grateful for everything around me. Thanks to God I have memory, for now I run in the circle of love with joy, yet watchfully, lest I shall fall again! "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation." (Mar 14:38)

O My beloved Lord Jesus Christ, have compassion on me, I the sinner!

They are all the same!

Women are all the same. How? A woman has strengths that amaze man. She can handle trouble & carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when feeling like screaming, sings when she feels like crying, cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid.

She fights for what she believes in, stands up against injustice, and doesn’t take “no” for an answer when she can see a better solution.

She gives herself so her family can thrive, and takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.

Her love is unconditional!

She cries when her kids are victorious.

She is happy when her friends do well.

She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.

Her heart is broken when a next of kin or friend dies. But she finds the strength to get on with life.

She knows that a kiss & a hug can heal a broken heart.

I received what is above, and it is all truth. But is all the truth? Of course NOT!

A woman is a lot more than that.

If we follow women in the Holy Book, Old and New Testament, one (a guy of course) stands amazed in front of that amazing creature. She tempted Adam, caused war, tempted Israelites, But She also was a mother, prophet, queen seeking wisdom, savior (many times), first believer from Gentiles, strong believer, faithful, leader, judge, gave birth to Christ, financially supported Christ, didn't leave Christ at the Cross (while only one man remained), woke up early before Sabbath darkness is resolved to the Holy Grave to serve Christ's body, she was the first to know about Christ Resurrection & first announcer & the first who met Resurrected Christ, served with disciples, martyred, lived pure aesthetic life, encouraged her sons to martyr for the sake of the faith. Put that next to how passionate, emotional and tender she is!! Glorified is our Lord Jesus Christ in His creation!

I received the below nice imaginary story: When God created woman, he was working late on the 6^th day. An angel came by and said: “Why spend so much time on that one?” And the Lord answered:

+ “Have you seen all specifications I have to meet to shape her? She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable & she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands”

- “Just two hands… impossible! And this is the standard model?! Too much work for one day.. wait until tomorrow & then complete her…”

+ “I won’t, I am so close to complete this creation, which will be the favourite of my heart. She cures herself when sick & she can work 18 hrs a day!”

The angel came nearer and touched the woman.

- “But you have made her so soft, Lord!”

+ “She is soft, but I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.”

- “Can she think?”

+ “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate.”

The angel touched the woman’s cheeks

- “Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.”

+ “She is not leaking… it is a tear”

- “What is it for?”

+ “Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering & her pride.”

This made a big impression on the angel.

- “Lord, you are genius! You thought of everything! The woman is indeed marvelous!”

Indeed she is!

I used to think...

I used to think of myself to be a good person... better than the people around me of my age...
I used to think that I am older than my age, wiser, more sad, and more reliable...
I used to think I am stronger than people of my age... in character and determination...
I used to think I am closer to God than people around me...
I used to think I shall never fall, and I used to wonder...

I used to wonder why people do X, Y and Z sins...
I used to wonder how on earth could any one do the W sin! I don't know but I used to think I know...

I used to think that I have to move the rock from the gate of Lazarus' tomb so that God *can* raise him from death... I went therefore moving all rocks in my way, all the way until the end of my reach, which got me super tired...

I used to think that *I* can do everything in Christ, but focusing on the *I*... I therefore tried everything beyond myself, which got me super depressed...

I used to think that God's voice comes as smoothing and easing my path, I used to think I *know* God's will, which caused me to be deaf to God's voice....




I used to think that I love God...




All what I used to think was true, turns out to be not necessarily true... is it? I don't know..

I want to love God, and I try to... should I move the rock? But without Christ I can do nothing as He said. So, even moving the rock I can not do... so what? I ask Him to move the rock? Then where am I in this? Will I move the rock in Christ? Yes of course, but what does that really means? I don't know...

I don't know my limits, or where I should stop and leave it to God...

I don't know why on earth did I fall in same sins I condemns people for, the X, Y, Z and even the W.. while they had excuses, I had no excuse...

I don't know why I am so weak, unstable and unreliable...

I don't know why God loves me, and still has faith in me, while I have no faith in myself anymore, but have faith in His grace...

I don't know if I die now, will God accept me to be with Him forever? Should He wait for me a bit?

I don't know if in next test I will fail or not...

I don't know if ever it will be a moment when I feel ready to depart this world, although I wish to depart it right now ...

I don't know when I will be a holy child of Christ? Will that day ever come? When?

I don't know nothing.. and may be I just should not know.. I have to just continue walking...

I don't know if I do love God from all my heart... and may be I should not know, or don't really want to know... but I do know, that I want to love God from all my hearts... so how to start?

I don't know how to start... should I start? or Should Christ's grace start? I don't know...

Is there a rock I should pull? Or should I ask His grace to grant it to me? I don't know..

I don't know if I should repent first, or serve Him first, or just love Him first... but how to love Him though? Love is sacrifice, and I have nothing to offer Him!

I don't know why He loves me! I don't know why I focus on myself that much... I don't know what is His will.. I don't know how to hear His voice...

I don't know my message on earth.. but may be I I should not know, or don't really want to know... but I do know, that I do want to love God from all my hearts...

Your will be done.

Horizon

Standing at the midst of the deep ocean, looking towards the endless water... The Horizon!

I wonder, where is that Horizon?! If I start sailing towards The Horizon, will I reach there? I definitely see it, but can I reach it? And why is that Horizon is so impressive? Why do I long to reach there in first place?

The desert Horizon isn't any less impressive than the sea Horizon... in fact, this endless shining sand is also The Horizon! But if I start walking towards it, will I reach there, to The Horizon I mean?

I did. I started sailing. I started walking. To where? Towards The Horizon.
As I am progressing, an island started to float there, at the Horizon. An oasis started to dig its shape in the sand. A mountain stood proudly, at The Horizon... does that mean I can reach there? The Horizon?

I did, survive to the island, I was impressed by the oasis in midst of desert, I took refuge from the storm winds in the mountain... but...

it wasn't The Horizon....

Once I got there, it wasn't The Horizon any more... for the moment I turn around, I saw the Horizon back there where you left, at the endless water... at the golden sand..

This is the Horizon.. far, impressive, a desire for the eye... a hope for the soul to embrace, a day dream for every navigator or lost traveler to seek... but once you reach, by definition, it is not The Horizon any more, for every step you take towards The Horizon, pushes The Horizon further back...

So should we let go of reaching there? Should we be satisfied with staying still where we are? But if we did, we will starve... we ought to sail toward The Horizon!

We ought to sail towards The Horizon without caring much of reaching there. We just need to learn how to enjoy the journey outreaching the unreachable. For the joy of sailing towards a race end line is in reaching the end line, but the joy of sailing towards The Horizon, is in the endless sailing!

My soul sails towards you O Lord! Towards Holiness! Towards Perfection! Towards Eternity!
I enjoyed many oases along my road, but they are only a shade of the joy of reaching you!
Many times I fell, but arose in You and continue walking.. many times I got distracted fishing to feed myself, but I lastly dropped the fishing rod and looked steadfast at You.. I many times slept thinking I arrived... but You woke me up and here I go, walking towards You!

Will I ever reach You? I guess not. But isn't it just life, to continually walk towards You! Even in Kingdom of Heaven, which is continually sailing towards knowing You, The Horizon!

your comments and opinions are highly appreciated.
a sinner

The unmelting snow

I just returned from the Payroll at Pitt, and as I walk by Winthrop St., I see this huge pile of snow (like 10 feet of height) on a side yard. It is a remaining of the historical snow storm we had in Pittsburgh.

But how come? The temperature today is high 50's, and it has been in 60's for couple of days ago.. it is for a week now that the temp. was above freezing point, how come the snow didn't melt yet?! I guess it is because they are pile-together... they keep the "temperature" in each other, by sticking together.

Does that say anything about our congregational spiritual services?

"bearing with one another in love, endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body, and one Spirit, just as you were called in one hope of your calling; one Lord, one faith, one baptism" (Ephesians 4:3-5)

Eternity

How long is ETERNITY? Pretty long, hah?!


In fact, it is a very common mistake when spiritual people claim: this life on earth is so short compared to eternity. The Truth is that life on earth is so long, who can say that 70 years are short? It is long. It is wrong to think of eternity as a very long time.

Another common mistake is when they, spiritual people, say that God is everywhere. It is the same mistake when some religions describe Heaven to be a place full of material leisure. Why is that wrong?

The answer is a very simple fact to say. However, it is one of the very hardest to grasp, if ever possible. So, allow me to try to explain what I don't understand and what is beyond my imagination.

Where is Heaven? It is wherever God is, correct? Yes.
OK then, where is God? Answer is: God everywhere, correct? No. Why?

Let us travel back in time. Before God created Universe, where did He exist? God is the One who created the three dimensions, and therefore he is ABOVE these three dimensions; i.e., He is not limited or located by these coordinates. Thus, there is no WHERE for Him, and thus He is not everywhere, so where is God? He is above WHERE, no dimensions for Him.
This might sound easy to accept, but if you think about it: what does it really mean that God exist where there are no coordinates? Where there is no width, length nor height? We don't know. This only proves the mighty of God. Then, it is our limited human language that expresses this mysterious truth in the simplest way for us to understand: God exists everywhere.

Similarly with the fourth dimension: time. God is the One who created Time and He is ABOVE time. God is not limited by time. Therefore, there are no before, now or after for God. Therefore God does not grow old, because there is NO TIME with God. Thus, Eternity is not forever, not endless, but it is NO TIME.
In Heaven we shall praise God. It is boring if we do the same thing all the time, but in eternity, there is no time, so what we do is with no beginning and no end, that is why we shall not get bored or tired… there shall be no before nor after, no days and nights...

That is why when God - who is above time - gave Himself on the cross a sacrifice, it is not something that happened on the past once. God is above time, with no time, so this sacrifice happened, or is happening, with no beginning and with no end. The Fullness of Time is according to our measure, but for God, there is no time. That is why our sacrifice on the altar when we celebrate a liturgy today, is that same sacrifice on the cross, not added to it, IT IS THE SAME. That is why His redemption is an eternal one, i.e., with no beginning and no end, that is why He saved the righteous who slept on hope before His incarnation, and those came after him, and that is why He was able to give His body and blood on the Last supper, before the cross.

OK to accept? Hard to say? But never feasible to understand. I can not understand it. It is one of the mighty adjectives of God that makes one humble himself in front of God and say with St. Paul:
"O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! how unsearchable are his judgments, and his ways past finding out!" (Rom 11:33)